Krista shared some thoughts in response to a recent question we received: How do you obey the fifth commandment (see Eph. 6:1-3; Col. 3:20) when you are an adult, especially if your parents are difficult people or were abusive to you as a child?
Tonight’s show was inspired by a recent Facebook post on Krista’s ministry page at Theology Mom (June 16): “As someone who didn’t grow up with a father (it’s complicated) I didn’t really understand what deficits I had as a child. But watching my husband love and raise our children has been part of my own healing journey. Thanks to all the dads who show up for their kids; Colossians 3:20-21: ‘Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.’”
And a follow-up post (June 17): “A conversation at church yesterday made me think: How do you obey the fifth commandment (see Eph. 6:1-3; Col. 3:20) when you are an adult, especially if your parents are difficult people or were abusive to you as a child?”
Scriptures on Honoring Parents:
Exodus 20:12: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.”
Deuteronomy 5:16: “Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.”
Ephesians 6:2-4: “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Important: Honoring our father and mother is an expression/extension of loving our neighbor. Loving our neighbor begins at home!
Responsibilities of the Parents:
Leviticus 20:1-3: “The Lord spoke to Moses, saying, ‘Say to the people of Israel, Any one of the people of Israel or of the strangers who sojourn in Israel who gives any of his children to Molech shall surely be put to death. The people of the land shall stone him with stones. I myself will set my face against that man and will cut him off from among his people, because he has given one of his children to Molech…” In other words, Christians are people who value children; we do not kill our children!
Proverbs 19:18: “Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.”
Proverbs 29:15: “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” (Note: The rod is referring to a shepherd’s staff used for guidance/boundaries, NOT abuse).
Proverbs 13:24: “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.”
Teaching/catechizing children in the faith; guiding children’s heart away from foolish behavior (eg laziness, promiscuity, etc).
Responsibilities of Growing Children:
Proverbs 1:8-10: “Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and forsake not your mother's teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck. My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent.”
Proverbs 23:22: “Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.”
Leviticus 19:3: “Every one of you shall revere his mother and his father, and you shall keep my Sabbaths: I am the Lord your God.”
Proverbs 30:17: “The eye that mocks a father and scorns to obey a mother will be picked out by the ravens of the valley and eaten by the vultures.”
Disobedience & Dishonoring Parents:
Deuteronomy 21:18-21: “If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they discipline him, will not listen to them, then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate of the place where he lives, and they shall say to the elders of his city, ‘This our son is stubborn and rebellious; he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones. So you shall purge the evil from your midst, and all Israel shall hear, and fear.”
Romans 1:29-31: “They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless.”
1 Timothy 1:8-11: “Now we know that the law is good, if one uses it lawfully, understanding this, that the law is not laid down for the just but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and sinners, for the unholy and profane, for those who strike their fathers and mothers, for murderers, the sexually immoral, men who practice homosexuality, enslavers, liars, perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to sound doctrine, in accordance with the gospel of the glory of the blessed God with which I have been entrusted.”
2 Timothy 3:1-5: “But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.”
Honoring Parents As Adults:
Exodus 21:15: “Whoever strikes his father or his mother shall be put to death”
Exodus 21:17: “Whoever curses his father or his mother shall be put to death”
Ruth 1:16-17: “But Ruth said, ‘Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.’”
Mark 7:9-13: “And he said to them, ‘You have a fine way of rejecting the commandment of God in order to establish your tradition! For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; and, ‘Whoever reviles father or mother must surely die.’ But you say, ‘If a man tells his father or his mother, “Whatever you would have gained from me is Corban”’ (that is, given to God)— then you no longer permit him to do anything for his father or mother, thus making void the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And many such things you do.’”
Six Principles to Honor Parents When It’s Hard:
Tell yourself the truth; be in reality! Use God’s standards to do it, not the world’s standards.
Pray for their salvation and repentance
Work toward forgiveness (Matthew 6: 12, 14-15); Forgiveness means to let something go (eg releasing the balloon)
Don’t shame your parents publicly to others
Do the hard work of obeying the Lord with your life (eg Bible study, therapy, etc help break the generational patterns)
Ask the Lord to teach you how to handle your particular situation
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